PIECES OF ME

So I'm lying in my bed 1am in d morning can't bring myself to sleep. A heavy heavy mind filled with thoughts that make me wanna explode! The question that's running through my head. Why why why? An innocent question has caused such unsettlement in my mind. My spirit is weak my soul is paralyzed. Why do we do the things we do?
Funny how I cant always answer that. Why am I at this point in my life. Why am I here? Its like I'm in a constant search of something and unknowingly, subconciously, I'm taking measures to get it. Most of which are erratic. Oh well, I'm the queen of the radical as an uranian. Just when I feel fulfilled something draws me back. This lack of satisfaction. This constant craving for MORE. Nothing is ever enough. There's a little voice deep within my mind whispering "what if what you're looking for is right in front of you" but my heart tells me otherwise. My heart is yearning.

I'm like a traveller, an explorer. My journey began at the prime of my youth (lol, I'm STILL at the prime of my youth) and I've still not stopped searching. Infact, I'm not even always aware of it. In the general sense of speaking I'm a picture of contentment and perfection. I am in all ramifications living a "life in the fab lane" so to speak. But I can't calm down I can't stop searching.

I've been through pain and disappointments that make me want to stop feeling anything. I just can't stop. I feel numb. I'm a blank page. I'm also scared that I may never find what I'm looking for or that I have found it and lost it or I am staring right at it and it doesn't even regard or recognise me. What if what I'm searching for doesn't exist!!

I turn to Christ for fulfilment and try to be steadfast and I suddenly feel safe and secure and know everything is working out for good just because He's alive. I wanna burst out in joy for the precious gift of the Holy Ghost. How dirty stinky me is brought to the level of a God by just One Man. Feels great and glorious!

But then this world is full of mystery. Mysteries I'm yet too explore. The laws of society keeps limiting, the devil keeps trying to trap me with guilt. I try to shake him off. I dnt wanna hear it. Lord deliver me! I don't wanna be any part of this! Why can't I just forget myself and become like the saints? Why this torture? This constant battle against my own flesh! At this point I feel like I'm drowning. I need to escape. I need answers. I need strength. Oh yes, we all do.
I don't know if its just me or if all my readers can relate to this... You know I'm awesome. Xoxo